Goodbye To You
by kandyfanz123
Summary: He never thought he'd have to say goodbye to her like this... not now... read and find out! please review!
1. Fall to Pieces

Disclaimer- i dontownthe oc

Goodbye toYou

Chapter 1- Fall toPieces

The day had started off normally, as normal as any in the Cohen household. After a breakfast of coffee, bagels, and a side of banter, each member went to his or her respective destinations for that Friday morning. Seth and Ryan had been planning (or rather Seth talking and Ryan pretending to listen) their plans for that night. Sandy and Kirsten had been sneaking short kisses behind the sports section of the paper when Seth's back was turned. The boys then left for Harbor School with Marissa and Summer, and Sandy and Kirsten were standing at the door, about to part and drive off to their offices at Partridge Savage& Kahn, and The Newport Group.

"Ok… I need… to go… honey" Kirsten managed to get out between kisses that Sandy planted on her lips.

"Aw you're no fun!" he pouted.

"I am too fun, just not when my father is going to skin me alive if I'm late for the investor's meeting."

"Ok fine, but what time do you want to meet for lunch?" Sandy asked.

"I don't think lunch is going to work out today. I have stuff from yesterday I need to read through."

"Didn't you do that yesterday?"

"No… because I decided to come home early… when the boys were out… and we had the house to ourselves…" she said, making the wheels in his head turn.

"Ok… do you think you can make it home early tonight too then."

"I'll try my best. I love you." she said to him.

"I love you too."

She kissed him again, and then waltzed over to Range Rover, and drove off. Kirsten decided that she would come over around lunch time for a little 'pop-in' that she knew Sandy would appreciate.

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Kirsten was talking on the phone with one of her clients, confirming a meeting, for which she had to check on her palm pilot, to see if the date was open. Kirsten was also driving, on the way to Sandy's office. All of a sudden, while passing through the intersection, she dropped her phone, and reached down to grab it. The last thing she heard was a horn, and then everything went dark.  
Sandy's phone started to buzz, and the word EMERGENCY flashed on the caller ID screen. Sandy's shot to the pictures on his desk, first a picture taken of him and Ryan at Julie and Caleb's wedding. They were both in tuxes, and offering a fake smile to the camera, both knowing Ryan would soon be leaving. Next his eyes scanned over a picture of Seth. Seth was about 6 years old, and he was covered in finger paints. His smile, however, was huge, and you could tell he had been rambling on about something. Finally, he glanced over to a picture of Kirsten and himself. She was standing behind him, and had her arms wrapped around him, her smile brilliant. He had his hands on hers, and was he was smiling. Sandy prayed for a moment before answering his phone that those three people were ok.

"Hello?" Sandy spoke, his voice hardly above a whisper.

"Mr. Cohen, this is Deputy James Harvey, and I am very sorry to inform you that your wife has been in an automobile accident."

Time seemed to have stopped for Sandy right at that moment. Everything that the officer said was not processed at all. After hanging up, he rushed over to the hospital, finding Seth and Ryan in the waiting room. Seth sat with his head in his hands, and Ryan paced the floor nervously, staring at his feet. Neither one of them spoke.

"Seth! Ryan! What happened?" he said running over to them.

Seth looked up, his eyes red and puffy but didn't reply. Sandy sat down next to him, and put his arm around him, rubbing his back. Ryan's voice cracked when he spoke.

"We-- saw- we saw them- bring her in. She- she uhhh…" Ryan paused, looking up, and Sandy could see the tears he was trying to hold back.

"She was out of it." Seth didn't speak, and Sandy's face was completely blank. He stared at a wall, thinking but not processing any information. This doesn't happen to people like him. The world was cruel, but Kirsten was the one thing that was perfect, and beautiful, and pure (well sort of) thing that this world had. She was too good to be true, and now she might not be anymore at all. Sandy sat down, hands behind his neck, and he looked down, to hide the tears welling up in his eyes, pleading to be let out, but held back by his pride. His phone started to ring again. Caleb. Sandy opened his phone and pressed the red button, hanging up. The world was officially falling apart. The pieces were crumbling into his hands. And there was no Kirsten to help him put the world back together.  
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The doctor came out into the waiting room, and told Sandy the news. She fought long and hard during the surgery, but there was nothing else they could do. She's not going to make it, so you better go see her now. All the little pieces in his hands felt like grains of sand, broken down and broken down. Kirsten, the one who could put it back together, was drifting away from him.

"She's written you all letters- with her will. Would you like to read them?" the doctor asked to an incoherent Sandy.  
"Can we see her now?"  
"One at a time."  
"Can we read the letters too?"  
"Sure. I'll go get them for you."

Sandy couldn't remember telling the boys what was going on, or getting in the elevator or walking to her room. All he could think about was the last time that he had done something with her. Hold her hand- this morning, kiss her- this morning, hold her body close to his when they slept- last night, said 'I love you' to her - this morning, the last time that they would make love- last night. Everything was fine this morning, until she left for work. Sandy had always thought that they would be together forever. Never in a million years did they think that his beautiful and amazing Kirsten would be dead before she was forty, and he would spend the rest of his life wondering what they would be doing if she was alive. The grains of sand turned to powder, and the amount grew. It was all around him, and Kirsten was still drifting, further and further away.

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Ok not so sure about the world in pieces of sand metaphor… only thing that came to mind right there… so yeah. Please read and tell me what you like and don't like! I love to get reviews- but let's be honest- who doesn't? Merry Chrismukkah!


	2. So long, and Goodnight

Ok so here's chapter 2... Tell me if you like the letters!  
Disclaimer- I don't own the oc

**Chapter 2: So long, and Goodnight **

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**Sandy missed her. All of her. So much. He missed the way she walked, the sound of her voice, the scent that he took in when they kissed. He missed the face she made when something bothered her, and she twisted her wedding rings. He missed the way she told Seth not to say ass. He missed the how she didn't care about making out in the kitchen in front of Seth. He loved her so much. He knew that she loved him too. He missed the way that she would kiss him, when he could tell he made her knees go weak, and she kissed him. With passion. With desire. With love. He missed the feeling of her hands on his skin when they made love. The feel of her lips tracing over the places that were reserved for her, and her only. He missed the way she would hold her breath when he whispered "I love you" as if she would miss it if she did breathe, and not just when he proclaimed his love, or whispered any term of endearment to her, so that only she could hear it, because those words were only for her. Everything. She was his everything. And now his everything was going to die. And he would have nothing.  
The doctor led Sandy, Seth, and Ryan into Kirsten's room in the ICU. The heart monitor beeped at a monotone rate. Kirsten was bandaged and bruised, and was not awake. The doctor said she probably would not wake up. Seth couldn't handle it. He sat down in a chair and began to sob. Ryan sat next to him, putting his arm around him, and tried to comfort him. Sandy looked as if he had turned to stone. A glaze poured over his eyes, and Ryan could not tell if it was tears held back, or Sandy being lost in thought. Finally he moved, and kneeled down next to Kirsten's bedside, taking her hand into his, and his head on the bed in front of him. A few tears escaped and rolled down his cheek onto his hands, and Kirsten's hand. He noticed that he was holding her left hand, but there was no familiar metal piece on her third finger. She wasn't wearing her wedding ring. And there it goes again. The powder is disintegrating in the water that he drowns in. "Crap. Now I'm drowning…" Sandy thought to himself.

"Excuse me, Mr. Cohen, I have the letters for you guys. They were found with her will. You requested to read them?" the nurse entered and said to Sandy. No one spoke. Sandy and the boys couldn't focus on anything else. Finally, Ryan broke the silence.  
"Yes, thank you."  
"Ok here, I'll set them here, read them when you're ready."  
"Thanks." The nurse left. No one moved for a minute. Finally Seth got up and moved over to the letters, and picked out the one addressed to him. With unsteady fingers, he opened the envelope that smelled like her perfume, and read the thoughts poured out on her stationery.  
_Seth, _

_I'm not sure when you will be reading this. I hope not for many years, when you are married, and have children and you know all the things I am going to tell you because you found them out for yourself. If you are still a kid, like you are when I write this, then I am sorry I'm gone. I'll miss you, so much, because I love you so much. I know that you are going through a tough time right now, we all are, and knowing that my time is limited (hypothetically) has given the clarity to understand what the most important things in life are. The people that you love, and the things that you will miss without them. I can tell you right now that there is no one in the world quite like you, and I love you even more for it, because you are my Seth, and no matter what happens, that will be the case. Please promise me that you will never give up in life, and each day you will look for the best in each opportunity you are given, and look for the best in people. When you find that one person that understands you best, and you realize that you are a better person because of them, don't be scared, but trust that you will be happy with them, and they will take care of you, and promise to love them forever. I hope that you can have what I've had in my marriage. I love your father so much, I want you to have that too. And when you have a child, I hope he or she will be the little miracle in your life that you have been for me. I love you honey, and please don't ever forget it. No matter where you are, I am there with you. You are my little boy, and I love you more than anything.  
Love always, Mom_

Seth tried his hardest to control the tears as he read the letter, and occasionally glanced over to where his mother lie motionless. He would never be able to have her back. He'd never be able to hug her, or watch her light up a room, or see her make everything ok again. He'd never have her there to tell him that she loved him anyway when he screwed something up. She wouldn't be there to see him graduate, or go to college, and get married. She wouldn't be there when he had a kid, she'd never get to be a grandma. His whole life flashed before him. She had been there- the whole time. Now she wouldn't. Seth was numb. He couldn't think or feel or see past the blur of tears in his vision. He slid down the wall, sitting with his head in his hands and cried. Sobbed. For his mother. Because she was perfect. Because she deserved better. From him. From everyone. From life. He cried because she was gone. Because he wasn't mature enough to deal with it. Because he still needed her. Ryan watched Seth in pain. Sitting against the wall. Crying. Not rambling or being sarcastic. Not whining or complaining. Crying. He walked over to the letters and picked up his. He opened it and a hot tear slipped down his cheek. He quickly knocked it away before anyone noticed that he was crying.

_Ryan,  
I'm not really sure of what I am supposed to say in a letter like this. First off, I just want to thank you, for all that you have given me, and taught me, and for accepting me. It kills me- literally- to think that this letter could be the last grains of communication that we have. We were never the talkers, I think we were saving words for when we needed them, but even now, which is that time of need, I'm still speechless. I can't process the fact that there will be no more of those busy mornings of coffee and bagels and banter, or those stupid play station battles, or making fun of my cooking. Those are the sorts of things that make up and define a family. The Cohen family, which you are a part of. I am leaving you a piece of my inheritance, and also a few things that, maybe, will make you think of me. I want you to know that I do consider you my son, and I always will. Before you came into our lives, no one was completely happy. As a mother, it hurt me so much to see how Seth pained to get out of Newport, and how lonely he was. When you came along, you filled that missing piece in all of us, and we will never be the same because of you. And that is a very good thing. I wish you the best Ryan. Work hard, go to college, and find something you love. Find someone to love. Hold onto her- she'll be worth it. I promise. Please take care of Seth and Sandy, they need you, be strong for them, and know that I am always with you. I love you Ryan. _

_Mother, Kirsten_

His mother. Kirsten really was his mother. She was the one that cared- the one that tried. Why did the best things in his life always have to be taken away from him. And now, it wasn't about him. But his family. Kirsten held the Cohens together. Sandy was so in love with her. Seth needed her there to be his mother, and hug him when the world shut him out. Ryan did too. What were they going to do without her? Ryan had never been in this much pain before. Not just emotional and mental- but he could feel a physical pain inside himself. The ache that ate away at his happiness. He couldn't understand why this was happening to him. To them. To Kirsten. It didn't make sense. Sandy hadn't lifted his head from Kirsten's bed. He was lost completely in memories of her. Kissing her, telling her that he loved her, marrying her, the look on her face when she wanted to make love, the pain she had felt when she delivered Seth, and the look she had when she first held him. Why did this have to be happening to him? To Kirsten? He stood finally, and walked over to the letter, and took the final one. He opened the envelope, which smelled just like her. The letter was tearstained. He handwriting was shaky- not because she had been in a rush, but because it hurt her to write it. Just like it pained him to read it.

_Sandy, _

_I don't even know where to begin with us. I love you. More than anything. More than everything. You are the only person in the world that will ever make me feel so beautiful, and so important, and so loved. I've known it as long as I've known you. You've given me everything that I could ever ask for, a home, a family, and a perfect marriage that I have been so happy in. This year has been the rockiest in our marriage, but through it all I knew that we were both still madly in love, and that we would get through it. I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world, and that nothing will ever be able to change the way I feel about you. I can't help but be upset by the fact that Rebecca came back, and you left me feeling stranded, but I know that you would never leave me- even for her. I know the way you feel about me, and I trust you. I was jealous, and I felt threatened by her, just because you always seemed to be gone, but I know through it all that you will always choose me, your wife, and the love of your life. I hope you know that I am yours, forever. I will never belong to someone the way I belong to you. Honestly, truly, and passionately, I am yours. I know that this is a short and unfair way to say goodbye, but I just want you to tell you this one last time, before it's too late. I want this to be the last thing we say to each other, and I want us to mean it, and not just say it because it is goodbye, but say it because you really do feel this way. I just wanted to say I love you. One more time, one last time. So long and goodnight honey. I love you, and goodbye.  
Love always, your Kirsten_

She was really leaving. She was gone.  
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**Ok based on reviews, I could leave it at that, do an aftermath piece w/ like a funeral, or by some miracle, she could live…? Tell me what you think should happen, and what you think of this chapter as well- esp. the letters. Were they even good? I can't tell…**


	3. Fighter

**Ok I've got 2 ideas in my head for where I could go in the story… not sure how many chapters it will end up being- depends which way I go. I promise it will be good either way as long as I get lots of reviews!  
Disclaimer: don't own the oc **

**Chapter 3: Fighter**

Sandy was fast asleep, holding his wife next to him, as usual. All of a sudden, an angel, a handsome male angel came into the room. Kirsten woke up, and she was glowing, like the angel. Sandy sat up in confusion, as Kirsten slowly drifted toward the angel, a look of entrancement, and desire sweeping across her face, the look she gave Sandy, the look that was reserved for him. The angel took her away, and as Sandy tried to hold onto her, she wouldn't look at him, she didn't even realize he was there. The angel glared at Sandy, and held Kirsten tight against him. The two started to drift off, both looking up towards the ceiling, the started to fade, into ghosts, and then into nothing but air. Sandy had lost her. For good.

Sandy woke up from the terrible dream, he was still at his wife's bedside, holding her hand. The heart monitor droned in the background, signifying that she was still alive, by the skin of her teeth. He noticed that she still didn't have her wedding rings. He had asked the doctor why they were taken off. He had told Sandy that they were taken off during surgery because her fingers were so swollen. He could certainly find them for him though. Sandy had simply nodded, looking over at the limp figure that was supposedly his wife. But Sandy knew better, this wasn't her at all. Kirsten was vibrant, radiant, brilliant. Not bruised, and battered, and dying. Not the Kirsten he knew.

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_"Sandy…I just can't believe he would do that to me…again. I mean what have I ever done to let him down?" Kirsten said, quietly._

_"Nothing. Honey - you could never let anyone down. Your dad is upset because he let you down, he just doesn't want you to realize it. He's too proud. But you- you're perfect. Anyone could see all the wonderful things about you…"_

_"Oh like what?" She replied in disbelief._

_"Well you're beautiful, and charming, and graceful, and elegant, and classy, and tasteful, and your smart- and radiant, and vibrant and brilliant, you're strong, you're powerful- everything about you- anyone could see those things- but there's some things that only I can see- the things that make you…" his voice trailed off, as he tucked a strand of blond hair behind her ear, looking into her eyes._

_"Like what?" she asked, smiling._

_"Like you're adorable when you try to cook and set off the smoke detector, and its hilarious when you make demands in incomplete sentences because your angry. I love the way you don't care about making out in front of the kids. I love the way you defend me when your dad and I have a fight. I love it when you insult the newpsies, but they think it's a compliment, and you silently laugh with yourself. I love the maternal, protective side of you that shields Seth, almost as much as I love the wild and sexy side of you- that you only share with me. And speaking of that side of you…" his voice trailed off as he wiggled his crazy eyebrows at her with suggestion.  
"Oh Sandy…" She whispered.  
"I love you." he whispered back, pulling her close to him.  
"I know." She said smiling. "I love you too"  
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Sandy was on the verge of tears again. The doctor handed him the plastic sack containing her wedding rings. Sandy gripped them tightly in the palm of his hand as he shut eyes tightly, fighting back the tears.

Seth stood down the hall from him, holding two cups of coffee, and saw his dad crying and holding something. He knew that his dad was hurting so much right now. It killed him to think that he was in this much pain, just like it was killing Sandy to think that she was in so much pain. Seth knew that his father loved his mother so much. Why had he always taken that love for granted. He had never really acted appreciative of it until tragedy struck. Why did he have to whine and complain and be rude to his parents, until he learned that one of them was dying? Why was that so hard for him? He loved them both so much. But how often did he tell them that? How often did he show them how much he cared? Seth hated himself for it. The last time he had talked to his mother before the accident had been scolding them for making out in the kitchen. Probably the last thing that he would ever be able to say to her. All he really wanted right now was to hug her, and spend time with her bantering and making fun of her cooking and play playstation with her, his dad and Ryan. Why did the people that you love the most, the ones that love you the most always have to be taken away?

Seth came into the room where his mother and father were, and put a hand on his father's shoulder, saying nothing. Ryan came in next, holding a power bar and a bottle of Advil. He entered the room silently, and stood next to Seth. Together, they watched their still mother and wife, their Kirsten.

"I would like it if you both gave a eulogy." Sandy said, breaking the silence, but not his focus on his wife.  
"Dad- don't talk like that- we're going to get through this- she's going to be ok. She's a fighter. I know she is… she has to… she's going to pull through." Seth began to ramble, unable to accept his father's doubt.  
"Seth it's time. This is not what she wants us to do. She wants us to move on."  
"Dad… no!" Seth choked, and began to cry.  
"She's gonna make it. She wouldn't want us to give up on her. She wouldn't give up on us." He stormed out, but didn't make it any further than the hallway right outside the door. He slumped down onto the floor, his head buried into his hands, wiping away the salty tears. He wasn't ready. Time needed to rewind. His mother needed to not be dying. She could make it. She had to.  
"Seth! Call the doctor! Quick!" Ryan's voice called to him, urgently.  
"Help! Someone! Doctor?" Seth called, jumping up immediately. She was going to make it. She needed to. Seth needed her to.

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**Haha… I'm cruel. I promise I wont leave you hanging for nothing! Review please!**


	4. I'm not Ok

**Ok second to last chapter, unless vetoed by the people! Remember, this is a democracy!  
Disclaimer: don't own **

**Chapter 4: I'm not Ok**

She did not make it. She could not pull through. She was not strong enough. I was not strong enough. We were not strong enough… Sandy thought to himself as he watched from a distance his wife, lying limp on the table as they tried to bring her back. He could not stand still but he could not move. In his head he was spinning around and around and around- everything was moving. He was nauseas, delirious; he had to have been hallucinating. Why was this still happening? This could not be real- it was an ongoing nightmare that would not let him out. He felt like the entire world was laughing at him right now. How had he believed that he could be with her? The beautiful Californian goddess that was his wife. Emphasis on the was. Past tense. She was probably gone now. Speaking of which, the doctor trudged toward Sandy, a tired and weary looking man with his hands on his hips and his facemask pulled down, revealing his four o'clock shadow. Sandy knew that by the look of defeat and desperation that what he was going to tell them would not be good.  
"I'm sorry sir. We lost her. There's nothing else we could do to stop it." he said, trying to be sincere but could not keep his eyes off of his feet. Sandy could not focus on the words spoken to him. He stretched down his hand at his side, as if grabbing something, but came up with air. He was utterly confused right now.  
"What- what- what do you mean…. you lost her?" Sandy said, trying to shield himself from the inevitable truth.

"Your wife… you see… she's dead." Sandy found his focus on the man, looking straight into his eyes, and bit his lip saying nothing for a moment, as he tried to hold back his tears.

"I'm so sorry." The doctor said, placing a hand on Sandy's shoulder for a moment, and then walked away- obviously not very moved by the death of this random everyday patient. "Can I- have- a minute?" Sandy said, mustering up enough breath to conjure that one statement.  
"Sure." the doctor said with a nod and a smile, and then he turned around and continued walking. Sandy walked over to the limp and breathless body that was five minutes ago his wife. For one of the few times in his life, Sandy was completely speechless, and thoughtless. Even about his wife. He didn't understand what was going on anymore. He wasn't sure if this was real or not real, and the only one who could explain it to him was Kirsten, and she was gone. God this was so confusing.  
He started to hear that music- their wedding music- how perfectly he could remember the first time they danced to it at their wedding. He searched through his pocket briskly, and found the plastic zip-lock bag containing his wife's wedding ring. He took it out, and slowly placed it on the third finger of her left hand, where she had always worn it. He stroked her hand, like it was second nature, and the music swelled in his head.

"Cus' I love you, just the way you look tonight." She had looked very beautiful that night, and he remembered it like it was yesterday.  
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_"The rings please." the minister said.  
"With this ring, I thee wed." Sandy said on that special day 20 years ago. He looked into the eyes of his beautiful bride, smiling through her tears as he held her hand and slowly slid the ring onto her delicate manicured finger. _

_"With this ring, I thee wed." Kirsten said, barely able to get the words out as she tried to fight back her tears with a gentle laughter, but Sandy knew it was the most sure statement she would ever make. She smiled up at him, andfinally the minister announced them as husband and wife. he could kiss her. He lifted her veil, and delicately cupped her face and kissed her softly and romantically.  
-  
"And now it's time for the ceremonial first dance for the bride and groom! Ladies and gentlemen, the new Mr. and Mrs. Sanford Cohen!" the crowd applauded, and the music to - began. Sandy held out his hand to his beloved bride, his Kirsten.  
"Do you want to dance?" he said, flashing her his toothiest smile.  
"Always." She replied. He led her out onto the dance floor, and pulled her close to him as they began to dance. _

_"Kirsten I love you- as long as we're together- I want you to know I'll take care of you, and love you, and be there for you. I promise." Sandy whispered to her so that only she could hear. She melted at the sound of his voice and replied.  
"I love you too. I promise."_  
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Sandy didn't know whether to be mad at her for not keeping her promise of being there, or to be mad at himself for not protecting her. He couldn't bear to be selfish. She was never selfish. He couldn't bear to forgive himself. Death was unforgiving. He was completely numb. But for now, he put the ring on her finger, like it belonged. God, she had loved those rings. She was so proud to wear them, and she could be wearing and Eskimo suit in Newport's 80-degree weather, but without her wedding rings, she somehow felt naked- but it was not the material aspect of the ring that she was so attached to. She could be deader than dirt, but she would still be his Kirsten.

Seth still sat out in the hall, Ryan next to him. Not talking, not thinking, and not wondering. Both knew that she was officially gone. Their intuition could tell any sane person that. They just sat and waited for Sandy to come out.  
"She's gone." Sandy whispered, staring at the floor- completely expressionless.

"What now?" Seth looked up at his father, desperate, with tears in his eyes.  
"I don't know." Sandy mumbled, accepting his defeat.

"I just don't know."  
"What are we going to do dad? Without her? I-I- I just can't do it. I don't want to." Seth started to ramble.  
"I don't want to either." Sandy whispered, not speaking directly to the boys. Ryan still had not said anything. He stared straight ahead.

"You guys should get started on the eulogies. Please. We'll have the funeral later this week. You guys should get home and get some sleep. Call Summer, she'll come pick you up." Sandy said, trying to be strong- but his voice was obviously somewhere else.

He remembered her perfectly, her smile, the sound of her voice, her scent, her kiss her touch, the feel of her hands on his skin. He could feel every curve of her body, but it just made him more depressed. It still hadn't hit him that she wouldn't be there when they woke up in the morning. He would be alone for the rest of his life. Life sure would suck now.  
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The people had gathered at the glass chapel where her father's wedding to Julie Cooper had taken place. It was a sunny Tuesday morning, and the quiet crowd of mourners dressed in black had driven up in a parade of their expensive cars. Sandy Seth and Ryan got out, and dressed in their suits, sat down at the front of the church, with their eyes focused on the casket that was brought forward by the pallbearers. Seth looked up at the sky, trying to fight the tears that were coming. Ryan put a supportive hand on his shoulder, but looked down, trying to suppress his own tears. Sandy's eyes stayed focused on the casket, as he twisted his wedding ring. "

"My sister, Kirsten was a beautiful person. I remember as a kid I absolutely adored her. I saw her as the greatest thing since sliced bread. Not much has changed. She meant so much to me, to her family, to everyone she knew. Rest in peace, big sis. I love you Kiks- but you seemed to know that before I did. Now that you're gone, look out for me. I need you." Hailey spoke calmly, and adoringly about her sister, but by the end she could feel the guilt surging on, and she fought back her tears best she could.

"I remember when Kirsten and Sandy first took me in. She hated me at first. She was trying to protect Seth, but it was her who finally let me into her house, into her family. She's the mother I never really had, she always will be. I have chances in life, and I never would have had them without Kirsten." Ryan said, showing his gratitude for his real mother.

"Kiki was a hard worker, a wonderful girl as a child, and she grew up into a beautiful woman. She married a good man, and became a wonderful mother who supported and loved her family. She's my little girl, and I miss her, I will miss her. I love her so much." Caleb had actually shed tears by the end of his short speech.

"My mom was the worst cook in the world. She couldn't use a remote to save her life. Don't even get me started on how it drove me crazy that she and my dad would make out in the kitchen or how bad she was at play station and how horribly she used to try to sing along to Death Cab. However, she loved me. And she cared, and she was there for me when no one else was. She's the best mother any kid could want. I just wish I would have appreciated it a little more when I still had her. If I could say one last thing to her" his voice slowed down, and he became more solemn,"I would just tell her that I love her because I'm still her son, and nothing else matters." Seth choked a little, a glaze of tears forming in his eyes. He smiled, trying to fight back the tears and shook his head, looking up at the sky. "We need you here mom. You're not really gone. Dad and Ryan and me are going to be ok. We found the takeout menus and we will eventually figure out how to do laundry. But we're gonna be ok. You're still with us- even if not physically, your love lives on. Your love for life, and Newport and your friends and Grandpa and Hailey, and Ryan, your love for having "family time", your love for dad- no matter how gross, it's still precious. And you're love for me, your little boy, Seth." Seth wiped away a tear from his face, took a deep breath and continued on with the speech. "I love you too mom."

"I met Kirsten in Berkeley, and she was the one person who could make me not talk. I was too busy being captivated by her. Not much has changed over the past twenty years. I love her more than anything, more than words. She's given me more than anyone else, a home and a family, a wonderful marriage full of love and passion and respect. We were perfect for each other, we still are. A lot of people doubted us at first, but I think we proved them wrong. She's the love of my life, and I will never be able to love another person the same way. I don't want to."

Finally, Sandy walked over to the casket. He put his hand on the shiny, smooth wood, stroking the case that held the love of his wife. He kissed his fingers and placed them on the wood again, their final kiss. Nothing was ok right now. He was not ok right now. That's what he was screaming in his head, "I'm not ok!" Suddenly, to Sandy everything was blurry; he felt like he was spinning, and then everything went dark.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ok just one more chapter so hang in there! Please review... tell me what you want to see in the next chapter even tho i already wrote itt (almost there)! theres time to add in a thing or two tho!


	5. I'm Sure

**Ok it's the fic finale! Woo hoo…. I hope this isn't a disappointment! Please review! also sorry this took so long to update! schoolsmaking me busy!**

**disclaimer- dont own  
**

**Chapter 5:**

Wherever he was, he was screaming, he was drenched in cold sweat and he could hear her name. Oh, that was him shouting it. "Kirsten! Kirsten!" he heard nervous voices in the background, recognizable, but he could not identify them. He was numb again, and suddenly everything went dark again, but he was still desperately screaming. The funeral was the last thing that he could remember, the wood of her casket, people speaking about her, Seth, and spinning, the darkness.

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"Kirsten! Kirsten! Kirsten!" she screamed, thrashing and throwing the sheets about herself. She was so cold and exhausted. Why couldn't they stop screaming her name? They were so loud and obnoxious. She needed some sleep. Where was Sandy?

"Honey, calm down, Kirsten… honey, wake up!" Sandy spoke, shaking her awake from what was obviously a nightmare. She was burning up.  
She opened her eyes, and looked around, trying to grab onto something to help the spinning. Sandy's blurry face appeared in front of her, and he called her name. Was he the one screaming? No, that wasn't his voice… that was her voice. Why was she screaming? This was so confusing. She fell into his arms, and sobbed.

"Honey, honey, calm down. You're fine, you're ok, honey, Kirsten, baby…" Sandy spoke soothingly.

"Where am I?" Kirsten finally started to come to.

"Honey you're home, you've had a nightmare. Tell me what's wrong." Sandy said, kissing the top of her head and rocking her in his arms.

"I- I was dead, and I was you. You were so sad…, Seth was crying, you kept fainting, and you were so sad… Sandy why were you sad?" she started to ramble.  
"Kirsten, baby it was a nightmare- no ones dead. Of course I was sad, you were dead."

"Sandy it was so real. I seriously thought that it was you thinking. It felt so real. And then the funeral. Seth… he told me he loved me. And then you fainted and I woke up…" her voice trailed off. "I have to go back to make sure you're ok." she said, confused and determined, and at the same time clearly not completely awake, and then she lie down and shut her eyes to go back to sleep.

"Honey, Kirsten, I'm fine, your not dead, Seth loves you and you're not going anywhere." Sandy said reassuringly, bringing up his wife to eye level, and kissing her forehead.

"Are you sure?" she said, yawning and laying her head on Sandy's lap, shutting her eyes.

"I'm sure." Sandy said, stroking her mess of blond hair.

"I love you honey. I'm so glad I'm ok. You were a mess." Kirsten started.

"I love you too." Sandy whispered, smiling. He rubbed her back, and when she was peacefully asleep, he positioned her on her pillow again, and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly against him. He could feel her body subconsciously relax under his touch, and as he laced his finger with hers, she stroked his hand, in her sleep.

The next morning, Kirsten woke up in Sandy's arms and took a deep breath taking in his scent and reveling in the feel of his arms around her. She had been so scared last night from that nightmare. It had been so bizarre seeing the world through Sandy's eyes. She could feel how much he really did care about her. Seth and Ryan too. She would be in the same place if something ever happened to them, though. They were her life, her everything. She didn't know what she would do without them. It would be complete and total agony, and she had just noticed that. She knew that he loved her so much. Dreaming something so painful, like that had made everything seem so precious. Dreaming, and knowing that in a second that it could all be gone. She clung tightly to Sandy, and shut her eyes, knowing that for now, they were together. They could get past any challenge love could throw at them together, but when death did part them, it would only be for the moment, no matter how unforgivable it seems.

"Hey there." Sandy said groggily, releasing her from his arms, and propped his head up in his elbow, which rested on the pillow. "Hey." Kirsten whispered back. She turned around to face him and laced her fingers with his free hand.

"You ok?" Sandy asked.

"Yeah. I was so scared that it was real. I was scared for you." Kirsten admitted.

"It sounded scary." Sandy replied, smiling, and rubbing her arm supportively. "I know. And Seth. He was so heartbroken- he acted as if I didn't know that he loved me. Like he was sorry that we never spend time together." Said Kirsten, concerned for her son.

"Well you know that he loves you. Very much."

"I know." Kirsten said, looking down at her wedding rings. She laid her head down on Sandy's chest, and shut her eyes. He took her hand in his, and kissed the top of her head, stroking her hair.

"I love you. Seth loves you. Ryan loves you." Sandy whispered.

"I love you guys too." she replied.

"We should probably get up or we'll be late for work. The boys will need a ride to school." Sandy said, with a sigh.

"Yeah. I'll go make the coffee." Kirsten said, hopping out of bed, putting her bathrobe on and then walked towards the doorway. Sandy stayed in bed for a moment, watching her with loving eyes, and she looked at him confused.

"You coming?" she asked.

"Yeah right behind you." Sandy replied, snapping out of his daydream.

"Mmmkay." Kirsten said sweetly, before crossing her arms and heading out the door.

Seth and Ryan were already sitting in the kitchen eating bagels and cereal out of the box. Seth, of course, was talking Ryan's ear off. Ryan may or may not have been listening, but Kirsten's money was on the latter. She smiled to herself, appreciating their presence, even though they were completely oblivious.

"Morning." she said brightly.

"Hey Mom. We made the coffee and bagels for you guys already, just, you know, to avoid any cooking. Makes it easier on everyone." Seth greeted his mother, holding out a sesame bagel to her, and offering her a cup of coffee.

"Well thanks for takin' one for the team Seth." Kirsten replied sarcastically, taking a sip of the coffee from the blue mug.

"O for you, the world mom." Seth said, putting his hand to his heart dramatically. Ryan's eyes flashed back and forth between the two like an intense tennis match.

"Morning fellas!" Sandy greeted as he entered the kitchen in his bathrobe. His hair was still scruffy, and he was barefooted as he reached one arm around the small of Kirsten's back and kissed her temple. Seth, not looking up from the Arts and Leisure section of the paper, tossed him a sesame bagel, and held up a red mug next to the coffee pot, telling him there was coffee.

"Morning Sandy." Ryan said, looking up from a book he was reading.

"Thanks for the coffee guys." Sandy said raising his mug, and smiling.

"No prob. I expect repayment in the form of standing on the opposite side of the room from my mother and/or cash." Seth said in a monotone voice, still not looking up from the paper.

"No can do son!" He said, picking up the sports section of the paper, bringing Kirsten to him and kissing her as she started to giggle, and held the paper up in front of them as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Uhh gross. Ryan. You. Me. Leave. Now." Seth said, pointing towards the door.

"I think he gets that from you." Sandy said before kissing his laughing wife again. They would be late to work.

**-  
Ok… that was a really sucky chapter- a bit obvious, ya think? Haha. Sorry about that. I just wanted a happy ending… all about the fluff. It's so hard to picture either one of them without each other. Please review! **


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